Identity

This is an essay that I wrote for a scholarship application today, and I thought I would share it. 

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One personal hardship I have had to overcome first showed up in my life about three years ago. After a full and fun summer of swimming, running around in the woods with friends, biking, and playing volleyball, I remember thinking my knees had been scraped so many times during many of these activities that I had permanent scars from the wounds. I pointed out it out to my mom, but we didn't think it was a big deal as they weren't very big, and so I didn't think anything more about it. However, over the next couple months, the 'scars' began to grow, and more and more of them appeared on my legs, wrists, and arms. After about a year, we knew these weren't simply flesh scars from scrapes, but something more. My mom thoroughly researched what it could be and eventually, we realized that I had a skin disease. This is a disease called Vitiligo that is on the rise, now becoming more popular than it used to be. The main symptom of this auto-immune disease is when parts of the skin loose melanin and are left without pigment. The body often responds to a buildup of Mercury (from genetically modified foods or from the preservatives in vaccines) by targeting the skin and leaving sections without color. This is the main cause of Vilitigo. We soon learned that here is no cure for this disease and we also noticed that the 'white spots' on my skin were growing and spreading very rapidly. As more spots appeared on my forearms, knees, back, stomach, and face, my mom and I had to use extra precaution when I was exposed to the sun to protect my skin since the spots burn extremely easily as a result of the lack of melanin. We bought sunhats, UV protected clothing, and 70+ SPF sunscreen to protect my skin during the summer. This was especially frustrating for me, because I love the outdoors and spent much of my summers at my grandma's property on a river boating, swimming, and running around in the sun. I refused to accept that my condition was as dangerous as it sounded and I often did not use enough caution in the sun as I knew I needed to. Many times, I had severe burns on my spots that looked like red paint since I had not used enough sunscreen and had overexposed myself to the sun. Last summer, while on a missions trip to Guatemala, I applied lots of sunscreen as we were traveling in the mountainous, high altitudes with extra strong exposure to the sun. Unfortunately, I forgot to put sunscreen on my back one day, and after several hours of walking the hills of dirt paths, I sat in the bus with my missions group and my friend sitting behind me gasped seeing a bad sunburn across my back. That night, I got no sleep as I was in agony feeling the burn, crying and trying to scratch it, but feeling even more pain in doing so. It has been very difficult in situations like these not to get upset and not to pity myself. I have also often struggled with having this skin disease as some children I babysit or pass in stores will point out my spots and ask, "What's that??!" or say, "You have a weird spot on your face." or, "Why do you have those weird things on your arms?". Especially in the beginning of my journey with Vilitigo, I wasn't used to being stared at by passing strangers just as I used to stare at people in wheelchairs, or people without limbs, or people with strange burn scars on their faces. It's been humbling having this disease, but often difficult as well. Many times, I have cried myself to sleep, feeling bad for myself, only to wake up in the morning and feel awful for pitying my situation as I know of some people living with much worse conditions. However, over this last year of 2012, I have really learned to be content with my lot and to trust that my identity is not found in what others think of me. Because of the truths of the Bible and the promises of Jesus, I know that my worth is not measured by my appearance or how I feel about myself, but in the fact that Jesus sees me as precious and beautiful. My skin condition has been a metaphor for everyone's lives in humanity. We strive for the approval and attention of others based on our success or appearances, but we forget that we will all get old, and our bodies will fail, our money will run out and our careers will come to an end; we cannot hold onto what we have now because, ultimately, we cannot hold onto this life. God, however, has shown me that He is faithful in every situation and every trial. Though I struggle and often feel ugly, Jesus preaches in the Bible that we are all already filthy in our sin and strivings, BUT that He has washed us and made us beautiful. It doesn't matter what my skin looks like, but rather, what my soul looks like. If it weren't for the new perspective Jesus has given me, not only would I be ugly on the outside, but also ugly on the inside, filled with bitterness and self pity. Instead, though I may not look perfect on the outside, because of Jesus, I can be content with who I am and also joyful in the fact that I am unique and beautiful to the One who created by body. I don't have to feel bad about the way I feel or insecure and ugly when people look at me a certain way; instead I can be confident that I am a jewel in the eyes of God, with a full life ahead of me, and a calling and purpose to reach out to others and show them that they are loved. Because of my experience with Vilitigo, I think I've gained a little insight and now have a way to identify with people who are insecure in the way they look and feel about themselves. I think that this has been a potentially negative circumstance that has been turned into a positive experience that I can use to help others know that their beauty is not found in their appearance, but in the condition of their hearts. All beauty will fade, but what matters is what we look like on the inside.