"My Ways Are Not Your Ways" [Isaiah 55:8]

Recently, I have struggled with having control over my life. I try to make my own plans and decisions without consulting God and, guess what? I always end up getting burned because I do not submit to the greater plan He already has for me. One time this happened recently was while I was in Mexico on a missions trip in March. I was in charge of teaching Worship Dance to a group of the older girls at the Rancho3M orphanage we would visiting. I had taught one dance to the girls last year when I went and it was a great success! But last year, my sister, Katlyn, was with me. This year, she is in college and could not come with us as she was not on spring break the same week as us. I had the help of two girls from my dance group here and also three friends who are former worship dancers. I was blessed to have these girls helping me out and so we decided to choreograph and plan to teach two dances to any girls who were interested. My dance teacher even loaned us three sets of costumes so that the girls could have different outfits for each piece and also, so we teachers could present a third dance with our own costumes. The first day we were to teach the dances, we struggled to round up the girls of the right age group and implore them to watch and at least consider doing worship dance. I understood and anticipated this as we had similar struggles last year to coax them into joining us. I know that worhip dance can seem embarrassing, but I know what a joy it can be if you get past the fear of man and stage fright. Many girls decided to join us, and we taught them the beginnings of the dance. The next day, though, only about half the girls returned claiming that those who didn't show up changed their minds about dancing with us. This was extremely frustrating as we almost had to cut one of the dances out which had been thoughtfully choreographed by one of my fellow dancers on the trip. But we worked it out so that we had enough girls in each dance to make them happen. I was a little disappointed though, after carefully selecting the song for the dance with specific lyrics preaching about finding your identity in Christ and not in the world's opinion of you, that I had the younger girls dancing to this song. I thought to myself, "They won't be able to identify with the words. They're not teenagers like the other girls, they don't struggle with self worth.", but I was reminded by one of my friends that these girls have been through a lot of heart ache and even abuse to get to this orphanage. Their back stories are extremely sad and heartbreaking to hear and I knew that God was reminding me that His word never comes back void and that He would do a great work through even my smallest attempts. The week went on and we continued to learn the dances little by little. One day, I told the girls that the next day I would bring the costumes for them to see as a surprise. I had pretty much decided which dance would wear which costume and told the young girls in my dance that I would bring the dresses for them to see. One girl sat out of the dance and refused to learn it the rest of the time. I wasn't sure what to do and asked her later, why she suddenly decided not to dance with us. She said she didn't want to wear a dress, so I went back to my dorm, unhappy to ruin the surprise, but wanting to keep her in my dance, and showed her the costume. She soon realized how pretty the dress was and agreed to join us. The next day, I was running around distributing the layers of costumes and girls kept running up to me saying, "I'm missing a shirt to wear underneath" or, "This dress is too big on me" in rapid fire spanish and at one point I was so stressed I was ready to yell at somebody, but knew that would only hurt feelings and not help anything. Things were not going as I had planned and I was very discouraged. I walked to my dorm after practice, grabbed my Bible and iPod and went to a private corner of the Ranch. I cried, "God this seems so silly, but I'm so frustrated. I feel stretched far beyond my limits and I'm struggling with patience with the girls as they don't pay attention, talk through the choreography, change their minds about whether or not they want to dance, and fight over costumes." I didn't know what to do, but in the breeze that passed just then, I felt God wiping away my tears saying, "Don't worry! I am in control. 'Ask my of the things to come. Will you command me concerning my children? -(Isaiah 45:11)'". And God calmed my fears and doubts and anxieties, and the next day, the girls performed wonderfully and I saw the audience was very affected by the dances and the messages they proclaimed. Also, there ended up being EXACTLY the right amount of dresses and costumes for each dance; no more, no less. I had planned to bring extras so that we would have more than enough, but God knew just what girls He had planned to participate. I was so encouraged by this and knew that God had this plan in store all along. This is one example that God has shown His power and sovereignty and ability to control any situation and work it out "to the good of those who love Him."

Here's another example in my life where God's been teaching me about this.

Ever since I got back from Guatemala, last June, I could not stop dreaming of planes. I saw this as a sign from God that He wanted me to get back on one this upcoming summer to go on another missions trip. My plan was to go to India. I had heard of a trip with Global Expeditions while I was at Teen Mania that would be two months long, spending half of the time in India and the other half in Nepal. I was really excited and dead set on going. I kept pestering my parents telling them how adamantly I was about going. They were convinced of my passion and desire to do this, but not so sure about how the finances would work out and also if they were comfortable with me going alone for two whole months. I struggled with this as I believed God would provide whatever I needed if He wanted me to go. I started finding coins and change everywhere I went around the same time and have continued to find them even recently. I believed God was providing me money for the India trip. But, as more time has passed, more and more I have felt God saying 'No' to India or another missions trip abroad this summer. I was initially crushed and a little reluctant to admit or believe this, but recently God has been placing opportunities and lining up appointments and events to occupy my time during the summer. My sister recently got accepted to intern at Rancho3M (the ranch where I visited and taught worship dance) for two months. She will need a substitute for her nanny job while she is gone, so we decided I would take her place. Also, I was reunited with a younger, but long time family friend from out of town recently who has been through some very difficult circumstances recently. My family is planning on having her stay come stay with us for a couple weeks during the summer. I know this is an opportunity for me to encourage her in her faith and speak into her life. I am excited for this plan God has made for part of my summer that I could have never anticipated on my own. I still find lots of change and collect them in bottles and jars in my room. However, I feel convicted to save this little money and let it build up. I call this "God's money" (inspired by the name of a private fund my sister started with her own savings to have on hand and use for whatever ministry she felt called to donate to or whatever missions trip she felt called to go on). Another mission for my summer will be using this money and asking friends and family to collect spare change in jars and cans and collected all our monthly savings to donate to a specific orphanage or ministry abroad. I felt inspired to do this a couple months ago and I know that this will be a great way to get involved with the mission field even if I'm not out there myself. It's been a little difficult accepting that I will be stateside this summer as one of my dance friends is visiting Tanzania and teaching worship dance there, several friends from my Guatemala trip are traveling with Global Expeditions on another trip, and many friends from Church are putting on a VBS on their missions trip to the Dominican Republic.

Even still, in all these circumstances, God has been giving me peace to really and truly believe that his plans are so much better and even more wonderful than I can comprehend. Isaiah 55:8 says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." and Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." One of my favorite songs by Hillsong United also constantly reminds me of the goodness and sovereignty of God; it goes, "Arrest my heart from its reckless path, release the chains in me. Awake my soul to the hope You hold, Your grace is all I need." Thankfully, God knows the desires of my heart and has even provided a possible opportunity for a trip to India next year. A new member of our church has affiliations with India and a passionate desire to bring the gospel there and partner with the body of Christ in his home town. I am also planning on growing in my photography skills by taking a film photography class during the beginning of summer. God has graciously provided the money for this class from a photo shoot I was recently  paid to shoot. I know God will use my love of photography and small business to provide money for college and future missions trips and donations in the future. I'm excited that God has brought me to this place of peace and rest in His promised. Every day I see that though I want to do my own will, I need to pray "Your will be done, Lord". Today, even, I was reminded that His plans are better. I have been wanting to take an Anatomy and Physiology class at NOVA this summer for months. I hoped to do this so that I would have an advantage and head start to get into nursing school and also to get a taste of the kind of studies I would be doing if I pursued nursing. However, I didn't realize so much time had passed that today was already the deadline and, also, that it was so late in the day that the deadline was within the hour. I hurriedly asked my parents if I could sign up, but quickly realized that I was forcing my plans to happen. The class if very expensive and I am also required to enroll as a student at NOVA before signing up for any classes. This is another reminder of my weakness and short-sightedness, but God's strength and provision. I know that, since my plan to take this class didn't work out, God must have something better in store and that makes me happy and excited to see what He will do. As much as I struggle against His will, right now it is so clear to me that His purposes and plans are sweet and beautiful and He made them because He loves me. I place my life into the palm of His hands because I know I can trust Him; after all, He's been so faithful to me this far! :)

Identity

This is an essay that I wrote for a scholarship application today, and I thought I would share it. 

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One personal hardship I have had to overcome first showed up in my life about three years ago. After a full and fun summer of swimming, running around in the woods with friends, biking, and playing volleyball, I remember thinking my knees had been scraped so many times during many of these activities that I had permanent scars from the wounds. I pointed out it out to my mom, but we didn't think it was a big deal as they weren't very big, and so I didn't think anything more about it. However, over the next couple months, the 'scars' began to grow, and more and more of them appeared on my legs, wrists, and arms. After about a year, we knew these weren't simply flesh scars from scrapes, but something more. My mom thoroughly researched what it could be and eventually, we realized that I had a skin disease. This is a disease called Vitiligo that is on the rise, now becoming more popular than it used to be. The main symptom of this auto-immune disease is when parts of the skin loose melanin and are left without pigment. The body often responds to a buildup of Mercury (from genetically modified foods or from the preservatives in vaccines) by targeting the skin and leaving sections without color. This is the main cause of Vilitigo. We soon learned that here is no cure for this disease and we also noticed that the 'white spots' on my skin were growing and spreading very rapidly. As more spots appeared on my forearms, knees, back, stomach, and face, my mom and I had to use extra precaution when I was exposed to the sun to protect my skin since the spots burn extremely easily as a result of the lack of melanin. We bought sunhats, UV protected clothing, and 70+ SPF sunscreen to protect my skin during the summer. This was especially frustrating for me, because I love the outdoors and spent much of my summers at my grandma's property on a river boating, swimming, and running around in the sun. I refused to accept that my condition was as dangerous as it sounded and I often did not use enough caution in the sun as I knew I needed to. Many times, I had severe burns on my spots that looked like red paint since I had not used enough sunscreen and had overexposed myself to the sun. Last summer, while on a missions trip to Guatemala, I applied lots of sunscreen as we were traveling in the mountainous, high altitudes with extra strong exposure to the sun. Unfortunately, I forgot to put sunscreen on my back one day, and after several hours of walking the hills of dirt paths, I sat in the bus with my missions group and my friend sitting behind me gasped seeing a bad sunburn across my back. That night, I got no sleep as I was in agony feeling the burn, crying and trying to scratch it, but feeling even more pain in doing so. It has been very difficult in situations like these not to get upset and not to pity myself. I have also often struggled with having this skin disease as some children I babysit or pass in stores will point out my spots and ask, "What's that??!" or say, "You have a weird spot on your face." or, "Why do you have those weird things on your arms?". Especially in the beginning of my journey with Vilitigo, I wasn't used to being stared at by passing strangers just as I used to stare at people in wheelchairs, or people without limbs, or people with strange burn scars on their faces. It's been humbling having this disease, but often difficult as well. Many times, I have cried myself to sleep, feeling bad for myself, only to wake up in the morning and feel awful for pitying my situation as I know of some people living with much worse conditions. However, over this last year of 2012, I have really learned to be content with my lot and to trust that my identity is not found in what others think of me. Because of the truths of the Bible and the promises of Jesus, I know that my worth is not measured by my appearance or how I feel about myself, but in the fact that Jesus sees me as precious and beautiful. My skin condition has been a metaphor for everyone's lives in humanity. We strive for the approval and attention of others based on our success or appearances, but we forget that we will all get old, and our bodies will fail, our money will run out and our careers will come to an end; we cannot hold onto what we have now because, ultimately, we cannot hold onto this life. God, however, has shown me that He is faithful in every situation and every trial. Though I struggle and often feel ugly, Jesus preaches in the Bible that we are all already filthy in our sin and strivings, BUT that He has washed us and made us beautiful. It doesn't matter what my skin looks like, but rather, what my soul looks like. If it weren't for the new perspective Jesus has given me, not only would I be ugly on the outside, but also ugly on the inside, filled with bitterness and self pity. Instead, though I may not look perfect on the outside, because of Jesus, I can be content with who I am and also joyful in the fact that I am unique and beautiful to the One who created by body. I don't have to feel bad about the way I feel or insecure and ugly when people look at me a certain way; instead I can be confident that I am a jewel in the eyes of God, with a full life ahead of me, and a calling and purpose to reach out to others and show them that they are loved. Because of my experience with Vilitigo, I think I've gained a little insight and now have a way to identify with people who are insecure in the way they look and feel about themselves. I think that this has been a potentially negative circumstance that has been turned into a positive experience that I can use to help others know that their beauty is not found in their appearance, but in the condition of their hearts. All beauty will fade, but what matters is what we look like on the inside.

A Testimony of Grace

Though I haven't posted in a while, I've been planning this blog post for a while. The other day, I had a lovely photo shoot with my dear friend, Christine, capturing her testimony which she recently shared with me. The photos are meant to tell a story. Below is the string of pictures telling her testimony of God's grace in her life. 

After the pictures, I will add her written testimony. I pray this will be a strong and moving reminder of the love of Christ and "the immeasurable riches of his grace".

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"My name is Christine and I want to share with you how God took a chain in my life and turned it into a way I can give him glory. I grew up in a Christian home and accepted Christ at a young age. When a friend asked me about why I was so different, I found myself without an answer. I examined my life to find the answer, and discovered that it was the joy that God had given me that made me different. This is when I made the choice to follow him on my own.Over the years I stumbled over sharing my faith because I could

not identify a key moment that turned my life around. Where was God working in my life? During the spring of eighth grade, my wrist started to hurt. I thought nothing of it until I started having trouble doing school

work and normal tasks. After trips to doctors, the pediatrician, a nerve specialist and a blood test, x­rays, and physical therapy, there was still no verdict on what was happening. This is when I started to get tired and upset at God. I often questioned, “Why are you letting this happen? And I have done everything I was supposed to do." I felt as if I was just talking to my wall and getting no response. In my isolation, I found myself becoming weighted down by this chain. The pain invaded my thoughts, influenced my actions, and led me further from God. That summer, I was told to enjoy myself, and then the doctors would take the next step. I went to a summer camp and did everything I wanted to do, but with mild pain. It has become tradition at this camp to have a youth worship night the last night before everyone goes home. On this particular evening, I found myself in the most pain I had been in. I was trying to worship God, but the pain created a barrier between me and God. One by one, people prayed over me, and then this counselor approached

me. I had never met her before, but she asked how she could pray for me. I told her about my pain and the wall it was building in my relationship with God. We prayed and she left. The very next day I found myself without pain. In fact, so much time passed that my doctor called me to see when I was coming back.

I was so thankful for God's healing. But of course, being human, I needed another reminder of how God works. That fall, I went to the chiropractor because I had never been to one and I was having mild back pain, later finding out it was a major misalignment. As it got worse, I again fell into the trap of saying "Why God? I thought I had already gone through this". As I prayed and prayed, I felt closer to God, but I drifted as the pain grew worse and worse, making me even not enjoy dancing, which I love.

One night I was reading my Bible and came across this verse: 2 Corinthians 12:8-­10. This is where Paul is taking about a pain in his life. "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I had allowed my physical pain to cultivate doubt in my mind about the power of God. God wants to show his strength through our weakness. What does this mean? I was helplessly bound in the chain of pain and distrust. Through my weakness, God stepped in and showed his power and the beautiful and total

transformation he brings. The freedom that God offers is not without struggle. I will always have pain in my life. But, his freedom is satisfying and fulfilling. Each chain in our lives is a reminder of our need for God and

our need to be aware of how he is working in our lives. My chain showed me the importance of surrendering my health and life to God. I wanted to have control of my freedom but that just left me stuck in chains. The first step I made was to open my hands to God who is waiting patiently for you to turn to him. Now, I

am enjoying the freedom that Christ offers and the new identity of 'Free.'"